the remains of summer memories.

Sometimes in the morning, I get on a train that goes all the way to the airport. And some days, I think about just staying on that train, going to the airport, throwing down my credit card and squeaking "gimmie a ticket to ANYWHERE BUT HERE!"

But then I remember that that's crazy and irresponsible, and that's not who I'm supposed to be anymore.

it's never enough.

nothing is lost, it's just frozen in frost.

in some strange universe, last week happened. this morning i woke up from this long dream that included long plane rides, family, tears, and beers. 

i've missed sydney. in this same strange universe, i see myself being happy there. i remember only the good things, the good times, and the smell of the city. it's not a bad smell, but it's just one that is uniquely sydney. like the smell of a friend's house. 

i wish it were really a dream that my aunt is really gone. that all her efforts and her families' efforts were not buried with those pink roses and picture frames. 

i'll always remember her grace, and her bravery. i'll remember the strength of her children and husband as they greeted and thanked everyone for caring so much without becoming the sobbing mess that i'm sure i would be. maybe it was the power of positivity that kept her here for that while. 

i'll maintain the idea that she's somewhere else, arriving on that other shore, with those that have left before her there to greet her. 

karma.

Yesterday, my brother and I were on our way to go look at a new bike for him, as his was recently stolen from the Bart station. We were talking about how we now both looked at bikes people we riding, to see if, by any chance, they were riding that blue Cannondale mountain bike that my dad had owned for 15 years. Alas, wherever it is, it is probably far, far away from Walnut Creek. I said "don't worry, karma will get them."

And then Cian said, "well, maybe they're in a situation where karma has already gotten them. And that's why they're stealing bikes."

...I guess I never thought of it that way before. 

photograph

Every time I see your face 

It reminds me of the places we used to go 

But all I've got is a photograph 

And I realize you're not coming back anymore

green eyed.

The worst part about coming back is being jealous of the people that tell you they're leaving.

love.

In honour of valentine's day last weekend (which was very nice for me, how was it for you?), I just feel like posting this quote, which is, in my opinion, the sweetest, yet simple, thing I've ever read in my life. Thank you, Brian Andreas.

"I read once that the Egyptians had fifty words for sand & the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep

&there are no words for that."

business as usual.

It's all come and gone, before I even noticed it was here in the first place. I always think that maybe next year will be different, but maybe it's time to face facts: Christmas has lost the magic. For me.  I wish I could get back to that place where the holiday season gives you that warm fuzzy feeling...maybe if/when I have kids. Maybe. Kids.

I think I enjoyed the post-Christmas season even better. Anchal came up to San Francisco, making that THREE times I saw her this year! It was bittersweet, as I have no idea when the next time I see her will be. England fits her too well, I would understand if she wanted to stay there forever. Erin came up for New Year's, so I had my two favourite roommates of all time under one roof, dancing! Our favourite pastime together, I think.  I miss living with them so much. I'm trying to convince Erin to move up here and we can live in the city or something...we'll see. Either way, I'll have to figure something out. I won't want to be living with my parents much longer. God knows, I love them, but I can't not be independent.  It's a habit.

I'll be here for at least 3 months, as I just got a job as an Administrative Assistant with a company called Anka Behavioral Services, Inc. I really like it so far...the people are really nice, it's a non-profit, and I like the idea of it being temporary. Permanent things scare me...case and point, the last year of my life, and that tattoo on my wrist that I am now covering with a watch. 

****

I used to be skeptical that there could be things in your life that you "just know". Like when most people talk about the person they decided to marry...they "just knew" the person was right. I've gotten pretty good at "just knowing" when a person is wrong, so, hopefully, I'll narrow it down to the point where I know who's right. After I'm 28.