karma.

Yesterday, my brother and I were on our way to go look at a new bike for him, as his was recently stolen from the Bart station. We were talking about how we now both looked at bikes people we riding, to see if, by any chance, they were riding that blue Cannondale mountain bike that my dad had owned for 15 years. Alas, wherever it is, it is probably far, far away from Walnut Creek. I said "don't worry, karma will get them."

And then Cian said, "well, maybe they're in a situation where karma has already gotten them. And that's why they're stealing bikes."

...I guess I never thought of it that way before. 

photograph

Every time I see your face 

It reminds me of the places we used to go 

But all I've got is a photograph 

And I realize you're not coming back anymore

green eyed.

The worst part about coming back is being jealous of the people that tell you they're leaving.

love.

In honour of valentine's day last weekend (which was very nice for me, how was it for you?), I just feel like posting this quote, which is, in my opinion, the sweetest, yet simple, thing I've ever read in my life. Thank you, Brian Andreas.

"I read once that the Egyptians had fifty words for sand & the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep

&there are no words for that."

business as usual.

It's all come and gone, before I even noticed it was here in the first place. I always think that maybe next year will be different, but maybe it's time to face facts: Christmas has lost the magic. For me.  I wish I could get back to that place where the holiday season gives you that warm fuzzy feeling...maybe if/when I have kids. Maybe. Kids.

I think I enjoyed the post-Christmas season even better. Anchal came up to San Francisco, making that THREE times I saw her this year! It was bittersweet, as I have no idea when the next time I see her will be. England fits her too well, I would understand if she wanted to stay there forever. Erin came up for New Year's, so I had my two favourite roommates of all time under one roof, dancing! Our favourite pastime together, I think.  I miss living with them so much. I'm trying to convince Erin to move up here and we can live in the city or something...we'll see. Either way, I'll have to figure something out. I won't want to be living with my parents much longer. God knows, I love them, but I can't not be independent.  It's a habit.

I'll be here for at least 3 months, as I just got a job as an Administrative Assistant with a company called Anka Behavioral Services, Inc. I really like it so far...the people are really nice, it's a non-profit, and I like the idea of it being temporary. Permanent things scare me...case and point, the last year of my life, and that tattoo on my wrist that I am now covering with a watch. 

****

I used to be skeptical that there could be things in your life that you "just know". Like when most people talk about the person they decided to marry...they "just knew" the person was right. I've gotten pretty good at "just knowing" when a person is wrong, so, hopefully, I'll narrow it down to the point where I know who's right. After I'm 28.

stuff.

Today I have embarked on cleaning out my closet, which is turning out to be a larger feat than anticipated. There are boxes and boxes of stuff; old diaries (which are hilarious...'dear diary, why can't I get a boyfriend?'...as if that were the most important thing in life), varsity letters, math tests that I actually did well on, notes from friends during class, photos (from the days that we actually processed FILM...

...how do you just throw things away that meant something to you once? 

what else are you supposed to do with it?

i always thought we'd be that young forever

I've been home for a little over a week now...after the initial excitement of seeing my family, my dogs, and my very own closet with my old things, it became a little bit strange. My room was the same as it was in high school (because I haven't really lived here since then), but with a new window (thanks, Dad!) and everything in boxes from being moved out when the floors were refinished. So, not only did I have my bags from the past year, but all my dresser drawers had been emptied, and had piles of boxes waiting to also be unpacked. This was not something I was willing to deal with 3 days before Thanksgiving, so I did what I usually do when I don't want to see something in my room...I put it in the garage. Those boxes are still there, still not ready to be dealt with. Throw out? Keep? Give away? I'm not ready for this. 

Per my mother's suggestion, I decided to redecorate my room, for my new beginnings. Paint was bought, colors were tested...and then everything sat in the center of my room for a week...except for the one wall I managed to do while Charlie was here.  See photo.  It was depressing. Still on Australia time, I couldn't fall asleep until 12 or 1 in the morning, couldn't wake up until 10 or 11 (for those that know me...not my usual pattern).  After that Thanksgiving excitement had worn off and everyone in my family went back to work, I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I would wake up in the middle of my room and not feel like doing anything except go back to sleep. I wouldn't go so far as to say I was depressed, but was feeling extreme listlessness and intense sadness.  In the span of a week and a half I had gone from having something going on everyday, some place to be, people to see, to having nothing. No job, no friends available (because they have jobs), and a very messy room.  Or maybe what I was really sad about was that it was all over, and I was left with fond memories and no plans or goals. 

Today my mom woke me up at 8, brought in the paint cans, and we both finished painting my room. My furniture rearranged, a new bedspread in place, and some quality time with my mom really made me feel much better about my new life and the possibilities it holds. 'After' photos to follow.